This is BULLSHIT and SOMEONE MUST DIE!!!!!

Time Magazine went ahead and named Apple’s iPhone “Invention of the Year.”  WTF!?!?  Hello!  I invented a remote controlled flying chainsaw!  I invented a robot with artificial intelligence using nothing more than a shopvac, plutonium, and a bunch of machine guns!  I found a way to keep Lindsey Lohan off the crack for longer than three minutes!  I invented a toilet that can stop time!  ME!  Not fucking APPLE!

And the iPhone?!?!  Why?  Because it’s “neat”?  It looks pretty?  It plays music?  This is insane!  The iPhone is nothing more than a bunch of pre-existing, pointless technology bundled into one overpriced package and marketed to dumbasses who think that owning one will make them “cool”.  And yes, if you are reading this and you actually bought an iPhone, I am calling you a dumbass.  For the ungodly amount of money you handed over to Apple, I could have developed something much, much cooler.  Like nipples that shoot vodka.  Or something similar.

At any rate, naming the Apple iPhone “invention of the year” is a MASSIVE insult to not only me, but also to the millions of other inventors out there who actually invented something worth inventing.  The iPhone is the Paris Hilton of technology!  It is a horrible, stupid, mindless piece of garbage that isn’t even worth shitting on!  On second thought, I order all of you to begin shitting on iPhones.  Do it both because you love me and because I command you.

I have to go find the GPS coordinates to Time Magazine’s office, now.  And if anyone from the US Air Force is reading this; No, I don’t have any idea on what may or may not have happened to one or more of your cruise missiles.  And if I DID, I certainly wouldn’t be hiding all of them in my basement.  DON’T LOOK THERE!!!!!  Going now.

-Sanity, PhD