Nuclear War is Bad, M’kay?

This just in: Even “small” nuclear wars could destroy the Earth. Researchers from the University of Colorado at Boulder have determined that even small, regional nuclear wars would result in a whole bunch of really fucked up things happening. “Our research supports that there would be worldwide destruction,” Michael Mills, one of the co-authors of the study, was quoted as saying.

The more I think about this, the more I wonder why this is news to anyone. I mean, did anyone NOT think that engaging in a nuclear war, of any fucking size, would end horribly? Why doesn’t anyone throw money at me to do research studies like this? “Doctor Sanity, here’s three million dollars. We need to to try and figure out what would happen if India and Pakistan blew each other up with nukes.”

Ten minutes later, I would email them my findings, “Pretty sure the Earth would get all fucked up. Lots of death and destruction and nuclear fallout. Additionally, research indicates that nuclear winters would result in Al Gore loosing his fucking mind, resulting in him running around naked, covered in feces, randomly executing people with a dull spoon.”

There is no reason I can not conduct these studies. Send me money and I will research anything you want.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com