Microsoft on the Attack with the XBox
Backed by an unlimited budget, egomaniacal leadership, and probably drug problems, Microsft is preparing to conquer the world of video games. They have invested an insane amount of moeny into the XBox 360 over the past few years and are now about to roll out a whole new set of features for both the XBox and XBox Live. So, for all the video game junkies who read this blog (I actually really don’t even know if video game junkies are litterate), this post is for you.
According to XBox guru Major Nelson, here are some of the new XBox features….
- Hard Drive Play. You will be able to copy the game from the CD to the hard drive and play it right from there. This greatly speeds up load times, which is good because everyone knows that video game dweebs have zero attention span.
- Access to XBox Live Marketplace from the Internet. This feature allows you to be an even less productive employee at work. You can now “browse and purchase Marketplace content whenever you want from Xbox.com and it downloads automatically to your console.” Then when you get home from a long day of wasting time on the Internet at work, you can continue to waste more time on your XBox.
- Dasboard built into the new XBox Guide. I have no fucking clue what this means. Allow me to plagarize directly from Mr. Nelson: “For everyone who loves the blades interface, it’s not going away; they are now built directly in to the new Xbox guide. Every feature and option is available right from the guide. You can even access your full games library at all times. No matter where you are (in dash or in game), immediately call up your games played list and directly launch a game.” I hope that means something to you.
- LIVE Party System. This actually does sound kind of interesting. You can link up with up to eight other XBox’s and all of you can either play games, chat, and/or watch NetFlix movies togeather. If Microsoft ever makes a webcam for the XBox, you can all have a virtual orgy. Mmmmm. Virtual orgies.
- XBox Live Primetime. It’s like a real time game show. A host asks questions, you answer, you possibly win prizes, some of them “real”. I can see it now. “Congratulations 9 year old Timmy! You just won your very own disease free hooker! Tell mom to let that dirty looking lady in when she knocks on your door tomorrow night!”
- Avatars. Yay! Avatars! (Editors note: If Avatars excite you, your life is shit. Seriously consider killing yourself. Please?)
- New display support. Pretty much, XBox will now be optimized for whatever television you have. Unless you’re tying to hook it up to that 1950’s era clunker that you have to kick repeatedly to turn on.
- Bigger hard drive. Microsoft has plans to roll out hard drives that have more storage capacity than the Moon. You may not be able to get laid, but you can at least brag to the bartender about your 300,000,000 GB XBox hard drive. She will still not sleep with you.
And there you have it! Now, I’m going to go continue working on my remote controlled hamster army. Soon, very soon, Canada will be mine! All for now.
-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com
PS
If you are a video game addict and are upset about the way I talk down to you, please remember this: I am Doctor Sanity and you are a video game addict. I have access to weapons grade plutonium and you have an inhaler. I hope this clears things up.
July 14, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Now Doc, you and me have gotten along pretty well in the past…but as the Sock puppets staffs resident Video game geek and reviewer, I’m not so sure how I feel about you not only horning in on my territory, but also doing it in a derogatory way. Don’t forget good doctor man…I’m bigger then you and if I so wish could use you to clean up….various messes.
July 15, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Gamelord…. Irony that even the name can’t get any gayer?
July 18, 2008 at 10:20 pm
As a Canadian, I say your remote controlled hamster army is laughable. If it was a guinea pig army, then I would worry!