Or just give you syphilis.  Apparently, the American Red Cross has been operating like a bunch of crazy people hopped up on crack.  Since 2003, they have been fined $23 million for failing to enforce various regulations.  Essentially, the ARC has been doing very bad, very dangerous things with blood and repeated attempts to make them stop have resulted in them saying, “Fuck you.  We’re the American Red Cross.”

Here is a small list of things that the Federal Government has accused (and the ARC has admitted to) these blood mongers of…

• Failing to test, at all, for syphilis.
• Not disposing of tainted and/or diseased blood.
• Distributing tainted and/or diseased blood.
• Failure to spend enough time swabbing arms before collecting blood.
• Shortcoming in screening for the diseases they say they are screening for.  Which does not include syphilis.
• Failure to investigate instances where people may have been given “bad” blood.  Because of this, no one knows if it actually happened or how or why or when or how much or any of that.

And, again, all of this stuff is ongoing stuff.  As in, for years now, the US Government has been telling these people, “STOP DOING THIS SHIT, YOU FUCKING CLOWNS!” and the American Red Cross has basically closed their eyes and covered their ears and chanted, “LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA.”  Things have gotten so bad, that the head of of the FDA actually went to one of their board meetings and told them point blank that if they don’t clean their shit up, he will have criminal charges pressed against the whole board.  As in, you’re going to jail, biatches!

The Red Cross has responded by saying that while they do admit that they have serious “quality control issues,” they make up for it in other ways.  “The Red Cross does a good job of testing for H.I.V. and hepatitis b.”  So because of that, they can just say FUCKALL to all those other pesky rules and regulations.  And syphilis.

The American Red Cross is being run by madmen.  They are giving out more syphilis than all the whores in New Jersey combined.  The US Government has told them to stop giving out syphilis and the Red Cross has responded by saying leave us alone or we’ll give you syphilis.  Oh wait, we already do that.

Now, knowing all of that, I hope you all sleep well tonight.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Backed by an unlimited budget, egomaniacal leadership, and probably drug problems, Microsft is preparing to conquer the world of video games.  They have invested an insane amount of moeny into the XBox 360 over the past few years and are now about to roll out a whole new set of features for both the XBox and XBox Live.  So, for all the video game junkies who read this blog (I actually really don’t even know if video game junkies are litterate), this post is for you.

According to XBox guru Major Nelson, here are some of the new XBox features….

• Hard Drive Play.  You will be able to copy the game from the CD to the hard drive and play it right from there.  This greatly speeds up load times, which is good because everyone knows that video game dweebs have zero attention span.
• Access to XBox Live Marketplace from the Internet.  This feature allows you to be an even less productive employee at work.  You can now “browse and purchase Marketplace content whenever you want from Xbox.com and it downloads automatically to your console.”  Then when you get home from a long day of wasting time on the Internet at work, you can continue to waste more time on your XBox.
• Dasboard built into the new XBox Guide.  I have no fucking clue what this means.  Allow me to plagarize directly from Mr. Nelson: “For everyone who loves the blades interface, it’s not going away; they are now built directly in to the new Xbox guide. Every feature and option is available right from the guide.  You can even access your full games library at all times.  No matter where you are (in dash or in game), immediately call up your games played list and directly launch a game.”  I hope that means something to you.
• LIVE Party System.  This actually does sound kind of interesting.  You can link up with up to eight other XBox’s and all of you can either play games, chat, and/or watch NetFlix movies togeather.  If Microsoft ever makes a webcam for the XBox, you can all have a virtual orgy.  Mmmmm.  Virtual orgies.
• XBox Live Primetime.  It’s like a real time game show.  A host asks questions, you answer, you possibly win prizes, some of them “real”.  I can see it now.  “Congratulations 9 year old Timmy!  You just won your very own disease free hooker!  Tell mom to let that dirty looking lady in when she knocks on your door tomorrow night!”
• Avatars.  Yay!  Avatars!  (Editors note: If Avatars excite you, your life is shit.  Seriously consider killing yourself.  Please?)
• New display support.  Pretty much, XBox will now be optimized for whatever television you have.  Unless you’re tying to hook it up to that 1950’s era clunker that you have to kick repeatedly to turn on.
• Bigger hard drive.  Microsoft has plans to roll out hard drives that have more storage capacity than the Moon.  You may not be able to get laid, but you can at least brag to the bartender about your 300,000,000 GB XBox hard drive.  She will still not sleep with you.

And there you have it!  Now, I’m going to go continue working on my remote controlled hamster army.  Soon, very soon, Canada will be mine!  All for now.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

PS
If you are a video game addict and are upset about the way I talk down to you, please remember this: I am Doctor Sanity and you are a video game addict.  I have access to weapons grade plutonium and you have an inhaler.  I hope this clears things up.

The city of Philadelphia is experimenting with a new sort of speed bump.  The unique thing about this, however, is that their new “speed bumps” aren’t really bumps.  The city is putting three dimensional looking designs on certain parts of the road.  Drivers see these designs, think that they are about to slam into something and die, and then slow down.

This idea is fucking brilliant….in a sick way.  I mean, picture mommy driving her minivan full of toddlers, on her way to the market when all of the sudden OH MY FUCKING GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE NO NO NO NOT MY CHILDREN FUCK YOU GOD FUCK YOU AHHHHHHHHH!!!!  And then nothing.  She drives, harmlessly, over the illusion.  The important thing, though, is that she slowed down.  Victory!

Not surprisingly, this technology was developed by the Japanese, who have a long history of finding ways to inflict pain, anguish, and horror upon the world.  The 3D designs are used all over Europe, but only three US cities (Phoenix, Peoria, and Philadelphia) are actually utilizing them.  Probably because all the other city mayors are afraid that, you know, these things might backfire.

I am especially interested on the effects these virtual speed humps have on drunk drivers.  In their drunken stupor, do they even see them?  And if they do….what happens.  I can only imagine the numbers of dead pedestrians that will ensue after Joe Drunkenfuck coming home from the bar sees one of these things.  Panicking, Joe thinks he’s about to crash into a bunch of massive, colorful triangle things and swerves to miss them.  His car jumps up onto the sidewalk and takes out a dozen or so people.  Or something like that.

At any rate, I am liking this new kind of psychological warfare that is being unleashed upon humanity.  This kind of thing only gets better.  Ask the CIA.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

If I were the US Government, and I’m not, but if I were, Trevor Paglen would be one of my least favorite people.  In fact, I might just hate him.  You see, Mr. Paglen has an interesting hobby.  He likes to take pictures of top secret spy satellites, all 189 of them actually, and then show them to the world.  Somewhere, CIA leaders are pounding their heads against their desks as they weep.

But wait, it get’s funnier.  Not for the US Government, but for the rest of us.  Mr. Paglen also has thousands of other pictures, all of which he shares with the world, that feature top secret military bases in the Mojave Desert, “torture taxis” (uber secret US Government jets that are used to whisk terrorits off to secret prisons around the world) and US military unit patches of units that “don’t exist.”

Are you fucking kidding me!?!  No wonder the US can’t find Osama Bin Laden!  If some guy, in his backyard, can take a fucking picture of the most advanced, ultra secret spy satalite in the history of the universe, don’t you think that Bin Laden knows where/when they are, too?  And if he didn’t…HE DOES NOW!

And, honestly, I think what Trevor Paglen is doing is awesome.  He’s using low to mid range technology to get the best of ultra high-end technology.  And how fucking awesome is it that he’s taking pictures of something that “doesn’t exist” and is supposed to be taking pictures of us.  It’s like someone seeing a rapist lurking in the bushes and then sneaking up on him and then raping him. Got’cha mother fucker!

No doubt people will be screaming and raging against Mr. Paglen and his work.  They’ll be calling him “traitor” and “unpatriotic” and all that other bullshit.  STOP IT!  Last time I checked, there’s no law that says, “You can’t take pictures of stuff that we put into orbit that is supposed to be a secret and that you’re never supposed to see or even be aware of.”  If the US Government doesn’t want people taking pictures of their super tech and other dirty secrets, maybe they should, you know, do a better fucking job at being secretive.

My point is this; Chipmunks are agents of Satan.  No, wait, that wasn’t my point.  My point is that going into your back yard and photographing ultra-top-secret spy satalites is not only fun, it should be encouraged.  And when we get bored of that, fuck it, let’s figure out a way to go shoot them down, too.  Lead the way, Mr. Paglen.  I’m already working on ways to convert my model rockets into home-made anti-satalite missiles.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

So, as you just saw from that video, some kid used his microwave to transmorgify his cellphone into a living, breathing Hell Beast.  I highly recommend all of you to rush to the nearest microwave and try this now.  Be sure to stand really, really close to the microwave when you do it, too.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Lately, all the cool kids on the Internet have been having a field day bashing Twitter. Twitter has been having all sorts of technical problems of late and people are starting to get restless. At every turn, Bloggers have been bashing Twitter and the people behind it. What these people fail to realize, however, is that Twitter is a slut and not a whore.

Complaining about Twitter is like complaining about the sex you had with the local bar slut. You do not complain about free sex. Even if it is bad. You only complain about sex you are paying for it. Because, you see, if you are paying for the sex, the person whom you are paying, by definition, is a professional and you expect the sex to be semi-not-bad. But sluts are, essentially, free sex. Do not complain about free sex.

So to all you people bitching about Twitter, please shut the fuck up. Some people are actually using Twitter to bitch about how much they hate using Twitter. STOP IT! One popular blogger raised all sorts of hell the other day bitching about Twitter not enforcing its Terms of Service (TOS). So fucking what!?! It’s a free service! This is like getting all upset when you get syphilis from the bar slut. No one is going to feel sorry for you because 1.) You slept with the bar slut, so what did you expect would happen and 2.) It was free sex.

My point is this; Do not bitch about the quality of a FREE, VOLUNTARY service. If Twitter’s problems, and there are many, are pissing you off, just walk away. Maybe they’ll fix the problems, maybe they won’t. Maybe that bar slut will not throw up in your car, maybe he/she will. It’s the risk you take when you have sex with sluts. And Twitter.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

The “I am a midgit and this is my futuristic sex suit” design.

The “I am mentally disabled” design.

The “I never want to have sex with a human” design.

The “My parents hate me” design.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

The city of Los Angeles is just too damn entertaining.  A few days ago, I wrote about how the LA County Commissioners are planning on seizing homes that allow music and movie piracy to take place on the premises.  Now, the mayor and city council are proposing to use sewage as a source of drinking water.  This is just too good.

So things out in LA are so bad now that people will be forced to drink recycled shit and piss and god knows what else.  Wow.  And while I’m sure modern technology can make recycled shit and piss taste very refreshing and possibly even healthy, the fact remains that it is still recycled shit and piss.  This will probably end horribly.

For starters, how are you going to convince children to not do drugs when they are drinking recycled sewage?  Honestly.  Because, you know, once you’ve downed a few gallons of recycled sewage, why not do heroine?  They say that marijuana is a “gateway drug” that leads users to try other drugs.  Believe me, the thought of drinking recycled scum water makes me want to start snorting coke right now.

My advice to the city of Los Angeles is this: Move.  Right now.  Your city is all sorts of fucked up and it only stands to get worse.  As it stands, your air is the color of strained peaches, you will soon be drinking recycled sewage, and if you illegally download a song, the police will seize your home and rape your dog.  Or something like that.  Just get the fuck out right now.  Find some homeless guy (you have lots of them) who kind of looks like Moses (you have lots of them) and give him $10 or some beer and tell him to lead you to the promised land.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Los Angeles County has declared war on pirates.  The LA County supervisors have passed a law that allows them to shutter a property, such as an internet cafe or even a home, if the owner of that property allows pirating of copyrighted material to occur on the premises.  Ouch.

The law explains that piracy: “substantially interferes with the interest of the public in the quality of life and community peace, lawful commerce in the county, property values, and is detrimental to the public health, safety, and welfare of the county’s citizens, its businesses and its visitors.”

As you probably already suspected, this law was passed at the “urging” (translation: political donations) of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA).  Based on the wording of this law, it would appear that MPAA and RIAA have finally managed to convince LA County that copyright piracy is more dangerous to the public than heroine, prostitution, and Andy Dick combined.  Well done, fellas!

Personally I’m thrilled that this law has been passed.  Because when I think of all that is wrong with LA, the first thing I think of is: Copyright Piracy.  I can deal with high murder rates, muggings, rapings, rioting, and drug dealing.  However, I loose sleep when I think about all those teenagers and college kids sitting around and burning DVDs and downloading illegal copies of Paris Hilton’s album.  That shit really makes my blood boil.

LA County: STOP IT!!!  You have a murder rate higher than John Goodman’s blood pressure.  Your citizens consider rioting a national sport and your air is made out of coal dust.  You have better things to be doing than taking people’s homes and small businesses because they are downloading music or movies.  Really, you do.  Just fucking stop it!

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
DoctorSanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Many of you know who Clay Shirky is. For those that don’t, Mr. Shirky is the evil genius of all things Internet related. As we speak, he is sitting in his laboratory, trying to figure out a way to improve the Internet. And, hopefully, a cure for Earth’s Paris Hilton disease. (Note: by “Paris Hilton Disease”, I am referring not to an actual disease, but to Paris Hilton the person. She is, I believe, a disease.)

At any rate, the video sitting above all of these words features Clay Shirky and it is well worth watching. Mr. Shirky manages to give a very interesting lecture that includes gin, Giligan’s Island, Dora the Explorer, The Industrial Revolution, LOL Cats, and “cogitative surplus”. After watching it, you will feel much smarter and it will all be because of me. And Clay Shirky. But mostly me.

-Sanity, PhD
www.DoctorSanity.com
doctorsanity@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

PS
To be fair, I came across this video while browsing Warren Ellis’s blog. Mr. Ellis, like Mr. Shirky, is an evil genius. He’s just a different type of evil genius. As in the kind who might just suck you into the darkness and then eat you. He also writes good books.